Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically recognized for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It'll be huge. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely away from place. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")

And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Sure, certain, let us have One more location where by American Adult men can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though prior negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply Everybody a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often soft electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It's that he should quit making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the task, replied, "You are aware of, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the Trump Tower Damascus tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."

Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head obvious from Area, a element currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, categorized.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It truly is not simply unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Features

Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium in which guests may possibly ponder vague disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Handle established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Nearby Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Come"

The advert campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it would stabilize the world"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% stated "exactly where's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The challenge is now attracting attention from Global investors, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will even incorporate:

A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have flip-down company."

One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories suggest:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Last Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You happen to be welcome."